My Spawn!

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BABYCLARK

It’s real!  It’s really, really REAL!!!  The tech let me pee twice during the ultrasound because I had to pee so badly it was hurting.  At first she didn’t let me see anything and that made me afraid.  Just click, click, click, type, type, type…So I asked “Is there a baby in there?”  She already knew this was my third pregnancy. “Yep.  There’s a little baby in there.”  waiting, waiting, waiting…”Is it alive?” “It sure is.” *Insert a few tears*  Once she was done her job she let my fella come in and she turned the monitor to me and she showed me each of his little hands and his little feet.  When she put the wand on me for the second time he was sitting up and this surprised her “Oh!  He’s sitting up now!” lol The baby then flexed his arm at us to say “The beach is that way!” and we burst into laughter because my fella does that to me every single day.  I kid you not. lol  So I asked her how far along she thought I was and according to the measurement I’m actually 2 days ahead of my original date, so today I’m 11 weeks and 6 days.  WOOT!!  I have four pictures of my Spawn that I can’t take my eyes off of.  It was soooo cool to see him moving and see his heart beating in there. 🙂

As for smoking…I’m still not smoking.  I took 3 puffs off of a cigarette today and it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.  I guess that’s what happens when you don’t smoke at all for four days in a row. :/  It’s hard. 😦

Anyhoo…That’s my news!  YAY!!

The BipolarWitch

 

Stopped Smoking

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Hello Dear Reader,

It’s been just about 10 hours since my last cigarette.  I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and quitting smoking sucks more than the pregnancy in all of its glory.  OMFG!!!!!  I was eligible for a stop smoking program that supplies all of the stuff for free. I chose the lozenges (well…the pharmacist did, really).  The lozenges make me more nauseous than the pregnancy!!  WTF!  Not cool man….not cool.  It does help the cravings though…It’s like going to one of those a clockwork orange camps where they peel your eyes open and force you to watch nonstop horror on the screen until you break.  These lozenges are my horror.  They’re burning my throat which is fine, slightly itchy, but whatever.  They don’t taste bad at all THANK YOU BABY JESUS!  I hope to all that is holy I don’t puke.

Speaking of puke…..I did end up puking about 2 weeks ago. One of my precious kitties got sick and my fella wasn’t home so I had to clean it up….Needless to say, my nose can pick up the slightest scents and vomit happens to be the opposite of slightest.  I cleaned some of it up and then BOOM!  It wasn’t so bad and I actually felt a lot better after I threw up…hmm….I still get nauseous if I don’t eat every couple of hours, but I make it a point to eat now, especially with these stupid lozenges. 😦  So far my CO2 and O2 levels have gone back to normal, so that means the Spawn is getting all the nutrients it needs without sacrifice.  That kinda makes me feel better about the whole thing.

Speaking of Spawn, my ultrasound is on Thursday at 9AM and needless to say, I’m beside myself.  When I woke up this morning I realized how far along I am and that made me feel really good because this is do or die time.  Either I’ll see something totally amazing, or it’ll be all over again.  I’m 100%…ok….99% sure I’m going to see my Spawn!  None of my symptoms have faded and the last time with my blighted ovum they were pretty much all gone by this point.  I’m taking that as a sign. 🙂

Nauseously yours,1329408783402_2594561

The BipolarWitch

Gagburping

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Hello Dear Reader,

I gagburp.  It’s disgusting.  10 weeks and 2 days and this is what I’ve got?!  It’s not just enough to gag/dry heave….Ohhhh no!  I’m still tired, Still cranky.  The only difference now is I’m a cranky, tired, gagburper.  Pregnancy is gross. :/

That is all,

The BipolarWitch

My First (Ahem) Prenatal Appointment

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Hello Dear Reader,

Today was my first prenatal appointment.  Everything checks out so far.  “You’re definitely 9 weeks pregnant!” “You’ve got the blood pressure of an athlete!”.  I’ve been well hydrated, so this time around I was only stuck in one arm, unlike last time where I got double jabbed because my vein was like “Oh hell no!”.

When he said I’m definitely 9 weeks it made me feel super awesome because my blighted ovum sac was 8 weeks along, so I’m one week ahead of my last heartbreak.  It was very reassuring to hear that!  My pee in a cup came back all clear as well and that’s always great to hear – pregnant or not.  My weight isn’t as much as I thought it would be.  No I won’t share that number! lol

How I’m feeling at 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant:

Anyone get the licence plate of the mac truck that hit me because I feel run over.  I’m beyond exhausted. 😦  I asked my doc about low iron and he looked at me and said “You’re pregnant…that’s it.”.  I HATE THIS!  I feel drugged all the time and it’s not fun anymore, not that it ever was.  I’ve always suffered with fatigue issues, but come on now!

If I don’t eat I want to die.  Literally.  If I don’t eat something every 2-3 hours I’m overcome with such nausea that it’s unbearable!  He said he would write me a script for nausea, but I declined stating “As log as I eat I’m ok, so I’ll just keep eating.”  I hate pills.

My chest looks hideous.  I can’t stand it!  This morning I was whining about it and my guy said “Well, it’ll go back to normal after, right?”  “Yes it will.”  “Well then don’t worry about it!”  I couldn’t help but think, “But what if it doesn’t?!?!?!”.  Yuck.

I wake up every day at 7 AM no matter what from a combination of “I HAVE TO PEE!!!!!!!” and “GOD MY BODY HURTS!”.  I’m not the most chipper person in the mornings on your average day, but oh lord, stay waaaaaaaay outta my way right now.  I wish I could just transplant myself into a robot and live in there for awhile.  I fall asleep just fine (Thank fatigue!), but staying asleep is alluding me.  It’s not helping my fatigue, this restless sleep.  Don’t get me started on the sweat I drip in my sleep either.  WTF?!  Menopause?!  I thought I was pregnant?!  MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!!

As you can tell, I’m still as happy as ever! LOL

My ultrasound has been set up for August 29th at 9AM and that makes me a little less nervous about getting it done because that’s when I started spotting last pregnancy (11 weeks 4 days).  If there’s no baby in there again I’m going to punch my placenta repeatedly after I push it out.  I may bite it as well.  Pregnancy is cruel bitch.

Crankily yours,

The BipolarwitchMyCrankypants

I feel like crap!!!!!

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Hello Dear Reader,

Here I sit at 7 weeks and 4 days gone and boy do I feel like a big bag of assholes. 😦  I feel so gross and my head is pounding.  Yesterday was horrible.  My hormones are in complete swing now and I ended up balling my eyes out because I felt my guy was being incredibly insensitive to what I’m going through.  “You go on ahead and google it you smart ass!  You think you have any idea and you know it all then go google it and see how many girls feel great at this stage!” “How do you think they do it with other kids and a job then?!” “They want desperately to crawl under their desks and they feel like neglectful mothers because they can’t give the attention they believe their kids need.  You jackass!  The ones who are lucky (1%?!) every other pregnant woman would love to seriously beat the shit out of them and even those girls are scared because no symptoms = Am I actually pregnant?!  Am I having a miscarriage?!”  So I cried and I cried while making his dinner.  “Come here…hug me.” “FUCK YOU!  I just wanna make your stupid dinner and lay down.  I’m so tired!!  I wish you would just google this so you could see how I’m not alone and I’m not being stupid!!!”.   I tossed my copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting at him so he could read up on because they have stuff for soon to be dad’s that I thought he may want to know.  It sat there for over a week untouched.  I feel really resentful.  REALLY RESENTFUL and REALLY ANGRY!  Even if this turns out bad like before, I’m still going on a journey and so far I’m doing it by myself.  Am I a single parent?!  This is supposed to be our god damned Team Wolf Pack!  I feel like a lone wolf and it makes me cry…a lot.  It makes it worse because I already have my mental crap going on, plus the constant worrying and checking to see if any bleeding has started (so far so good on that front!).  I need more support than I’m getting right now.  I need him to stop being so selfish and get his head in the game.  He says he’s still upset about the last one and I nearly scoffed.  Now, don’t get me wrong, he has EVERY right to grieve and worry about this one, but it doesn’t mean pushing me and my happiness away.  Cuz deep down I’ve got a damned good feeling about this one.  My symptoms seem to be much stronger than the last time and I take that as a really good sign.  Stiff upper lip cuz I need you to get your head in the game!!  It won’t be much longer until we get to see and even less until my doctor tells me how huge I’ve gotten.  For some reason I feel bigger than last time already?   Kinda puzzling.  Regardless, I’m the one who felt it all and saw everything, he just sat there on the sidelines supporting me.  I WENT THROUGH IT NOT HIM!  I’m the one who bled like a stuffed pig.  I’m the one who went through the labor.  I’m the one who watched it come out.  If I can get over it, or at least look somewhat past it then STFU cuz really, you look really pathetic.  I can’t wait to see my social worker….

PREGNANCY

By the way, I may have spoken too soon….I was up at 5:30 this morning for a pee, but in my defense, it was a splitting headache that woke me up. 😛

Weepily Yours,

The Bipolar Witch

Here we go again….

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Hello Dear Reader,

I’m sorry for the delay in entries…I really haven’t had much to talk about since my last entry other than the mundane shit of life.  I did take a 10 week course for CBT for Bipolar.  Cognitive Behavior Therapy, for the Lay Man.  It was a truly amazing course and I learned a few tricks that have really helped me out!  I highly suggest anyone and everyone take it because you’ll learn something useful without a doubt.  I’m scheduled for Trauma Therapy to deal with my PTSD/Disassociation/Depersonalization issues as well as CBT for anxiety.  I’m excited for both as I know it works – although it doesn’t cure, sadly.

As for the title of this entry…………………….I’m pregnant again.  7 weeks and 1 day gone as of today.  Yay?  Meh.  I’ve found myself very angry and cranky this time around.  I tested 10 days after my missed lady time and after suffering an extremely bad on coming migraine that left half of my head and torso numb (Enter my frantic mom driving me to the on-call doctor).  The on-call doctor tested my myotomes (muscle innervation), eyes, and pregnancy after he questioned me on that.  At the time I was a few days (I guess?) late.  It turns out the test was negative and he gave me some Vimovo (neproxen) to take the on coming migraine away.  Thank god it worked and worked well.  I’ve been on vimovo before for my SI joint/fibromyalgia pain so I knew what to expect, I just didn’t know it took headaches/migraines away – no wonder I never had them while I was on that med! lol

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.  I’m pregnant again.  I took another test (the first one was on July 6th) on July 12th.  Yes I waited 6 days because I was under the impression doctors tests are more sensitive than store bought…nope.  Not the case at all.  I was frustrated because lady time just wasn’t coming, so I said the heck with it and went to the dollar store because I sure as hell wasn’t wasting $15 on a negative.  I got two tests because you just never know and it’s good to have a back up.  Well I said “the hell with it…I’ve been peeing all day, but this late in the game, if I am pregnant it won’t matter how much I’ve peed, it’ll show up if it’s the real deal because the level will be too high to deny.”  I’m an expert at this game now, as you can see.  Sure enough…

2013-07-12 16.24.45

A lot darker line than the last time I took one of these!

There’s no mistaking that line.  E

rm…lines.  So I called my doctor’s office to get the machine telling me he’s on holiday until the 22nd.  I had an appointment previously booked with him for the 23rd for a pain appointment, so I thought, meh…I’ll just wait.  There’s nothing they can do for me at this point, other than a blood HCG test and I already have enough proof that it’s there so I’ll just wait it out.  The 23rd came around and I was sitting in the room and in comes my doctor “How are you, kiddo?”  “I’m pregnant again.  How are you?”  “You are?!”  “I sure am.  I took a test and it came up positive.”  “WOW!  Congrats!”  Enter an onslaught of questions about my mood and my body and add a few giggles as well.  We tend to giggle a lot in my appointments.  I happened to glance my file while I was waiting to see what the other doc wrote about my migraine and it turns out my doctor called me a “Pleasant woman” and the other doctor said I was “An excellent eye witness”.  Well thank you very much!! 🙂  Anyhoo…I asked, “So are you gonna have my blood drawn to check the HCG levels?”  “The tests they have out there these days are very accurate, so I think we can spare you the stab.  You know how you feel.”  “Well, what about an early scan?  I did just have my second miscarriage….”  “It would be more worry than it’s worth.  How about we treat this like a normal pregnancy?  You know the rules, no horseback riding or pole-vaulting.”  “Well, I did just go for a 10 km hike the other day and had terrible tummy pains, due to dehydration I do believe.”  “I can scan you right now if you want!”  Meaning physically examine me. “No no..I know it was dehydration.” “You really shouldn’t be out hiking in the weather we had last week anyway.  No one should be.  It was too humid.  So let’s schedule you back in 3 weeks and we’ll do your first prenatal exam and all the other stuff you remember.” GROAN.  “50 vials of blood it is…grrrrrrreat.” We giggled.  “You know what’s going on, kiddo.  You’re an expert on what to expect now so you just need to stop and relax now.  You know nothing can be done if something does happen, so just relax and we’ll see you again in 3 weeks.”  Very true that I am now an expert on all the goings on of pregnancy and what to expect.  It doesn’t make it any easier or less frightening.

I’m so angry!!

  • My partner is less than enthusiastic for the most part.  Although – today he did run out to McDonald’s when I lamented how much I would just LOVE to have a mcgriddle (and maybe a hashbrown, too?? PLEASE?????).  It was so delicious I just couldn’t get enough.  Maybe I should ask for 2 next time?! lol  I understand him guarding himself, but he has no idea what  it’s like to have to wait YEARS to become pregnant again.  This point alone makes my anger ease.  I’m grateful to be so lucky.
  • Just because it’s a positive test doesn’t mean there’s a baby growing in there.  Check out my last pregnancy.  SURPRISE!  Mother nature is weirder than me and that says tons.
  • Every millimeter of growth in my uterus burns.  Is that burning or cramping?!  Am I miscarrying again?!  Why the fuck not?!  GO AHEAD AND MISCARRY YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!  No no….That’s stretching, stupid girl.  Come on…you know what cramps feel like and you sure as hell remember contractions *Shudders*.
  • Every time I go to the bathroom and wipe I’m expecting to see spotting.  It’s like a game of Russian Roulette.  Is there or isn’t there?  Will it be this time or next time?
  • The ultrasound – if I get to that point – scares the living shit out of me.  The last thing I want to see is the black hole of death like last time.  I’m sure if I get to that date I’ll be a massive wreck and I’ll more than likely be apologizing profusely for my waterfall of tears for either outcome.  The idea of looking up at that screen and seeing the black hole of death again seems too much for me to even think about.
  • I don’t remember being *this* tired last time.  It seems to be dialed up just a touch more than last time.  I feel fat and lazy.  I’m bloated, beyond fatigued (did someone drug me?), I flip around like a fish outta water in my sleep and I’m cranky as all hell.  Just call me Surly.  I can’t get comfortable in my sleep.  My body is aching, especially my spine, back and SI joints.  It wakes me up for a second when I roll over in my sleep and it’s aggravating.

I’m not waking up to pee at 5AM – HA!  I learned the trick to that!  you’ll never get me again!  My boobs aren’t killing me this time around, which is the biggest blessing there is.  Nipples…we won’t talk about them cuz they’re complete assholes, but are manageable as long as I don’t smash them with my hands to move myself in my sleep.  *Shudders*  I’m slightly nauseous if I don’t eat which is one of the most common complaints pregnant women have.  I have almost daily headaches as I did before which is an extra special treat, not.  My moods have been the same as the last pregnancy, down and  “normal”.  Mostly down I have to say, but understandably.  Weepy….omfg am I weepy!!!!!!!!  Doesn’t matter what it is, I’ll cry.  If I’m not crying, I’m screaming/yelling.  I hate being cranky. 😦  Also, my bloodhound nose tells me my guy needs new shoes BADLY.  *Vomits*

So here we go again…..

Wish me luck!

The Bipolar Witch

My Loss

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Hello Dear Reader,

It’s been 4 days since I came back from my final ultrasound that said the medicines, in combination with my body, have completely taken everything away.  It must be the efficient German genes.

The unrewarding labor was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.  I’ve herniated discs onto my nerves, my spine has curved, I’ve gotten married and divorced, I’ve lived with Bipolar for almost 20 years now, I watched my father drink himself to death and then got to be the one who pulled his plug, I lived through the knowledge that both of my parents contracted Hep C and I was luckily spared in utero, I’ve lived through the deepest depression I have yet to suffer and the list goes on.  The pain of passing what was only a placenta was the hardest I’ve ever had to face and see through.  As much as I wished that if it was an ectopic pregnancy that I might like to die from the rupture…I had already started the thoughts as soon as they couldn’t find the baby.  The doc said how well I was dealing with all the (for lack of a better term) craziness.  He was looking at me with such care and triumph.  He’ll make a great doctor.  The doctor who diagnosed the blighted ovum was really good too.  You could tell it hurt her to have to tell me what she saw.  On a plus, lots of people have now seen my…..  I now have no shame left.

I feel empty.  I feel robbed.  I feel betrayed.  I feel angry.  I feel hurt.  I feel pain.  I feel confused.  I feel bitter.  I feel pissed off.  I feel like I’m dying.  I feel so fucking empty.  I feel used.  I feel like a liar.  I feel like I’m cursed.  I feel like my heart has a massive hole in it.  I feel like less of a woman.  I feel fat.  I feel cheated.  I feel weak physically and emotionally.  I feel like a failure.  I feel bullied.  I hate how empty I feel.

The Bipolar Witch