Hello Dear Reader,
I’m sorry for the delay in entries…I really haven’t had much to talk about since my last entry other than the mundane shit of life. I did take a 10 week course for CBT for Bipolar. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, for the Lay Man. It was a truly amazing course and I learned a few tricks that have really helped me out! I highly suggest anyone and everyone take it because you’ll learn something useful without a doubt. I’m scheduled for Trauma Therapy to deal with my PTSD/Disassociation/Depersonalization issues as well as CBT for anxiety. I’m excited for both as I know it works – although it doesn’t cure, sadly.
As for the title of this entry…………………….I’m pregnant again. 7 weeks and 1 day gone as of today. Yay? Meh. I’ve found myself very angry and cranky this time around. I tested 10 days after my missed lady time and after suffering an extremely bad on coming migraine that left half of my head and torso numb (Enter my frantic mom driving me to the on-call doctor). The on-call doctor tested my myotomes (muscle innervation), eyes, and pregnancy after he questioned me on that. At the time I was a few days (I guess?) late. It turns out the test was negative and he gave me some Vimovo (neproxen) to take the on coming migraine away. Thank god it worked and worked well. I’ve been on vimovo before for my SI joint/fibromyalgia pain so I knew what to expect, I just didn’t know it took headaches/migraines away – no wonder I never had them while I was on that med! lol
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I’m pregnant again. I took another test (the first one was on July 6th) on July 12th. Yes I waited 6 days because I was under the impression doctors tests are more sensitive than store bought…nope. Not the case at all. I was frustrated because lady time just wasn’t coming, so I said the heck with it and went to the dollar store because I sure as hell wasn’t wasting $15 on a negative. I got two tests because you just never know and it’s good to have a back up. Well I said “the hell with it…I’ve been peeing all day, but this late in the game, if I am pregnant it won’t matter how much I’ve peed, it’ll show up if it’s the real deal because the level will be too high to deny.” I’m an expert at this game now, as you can see. Sure enough…
A lot darker line than the last time I took one of these!
There’s no mistaking that line. E
rm…lines. So I called my doctor’s office to get the machine telling me he’s on holiday until the 22nd. I had an appointment previously booked with him for the 23rd for a pain appointment, so I thought, meh…I’ll just wait. There’s nothing they can do for me at this point, other than a blood HCG test and I already have enough proof that it’s there so I’ll just wait it out. The 23rd came around and I was sitting in the room and in comes my doctor “How are you, kiddo?” “I’m pregnant again. How are you?” “You are?!” “I sure am. I took a test and it came up positive.” “WOW! Congrats!” Enter an onslaught of questions about my mood and my body and add a few giggles as well. We tend to giggle a lot in my appointments. I happened to glance my file while I was waiting to see what the other doc wrote about my migraine and it turns out my doctor called me a “Pleasant woman” and the other doctor said I was “An excellent eye witness”. Well thank you very much!! 🙂 Anyhoo…I asked, “So are you gonna have my blood drawn to check the HCG levels?” “The tests they have out there these days are very accurate, so I think we can spare you the stab. You know how you feel.” “Well, what about an early scan? I did just have my second miscarriage….” “It would be more worry than it’s worth. How about we treat this like a normal pregnancy? You know the rules, no horseback riding or pole-vaulting.” “Well, I did just go for a 10 km hike the other day and had terrible tummy pains, due to dehydration I do believe.” “I can scan you right now if you want!” Meaning physically examine me. “No no..I know it was dehydration.” “You really shouldn’t be out hiking in the weather we had last week anyway. No one should be. It was too humid. So let’s schedule you back in 3 weeks and we’ll do your first prenatal exam and all the other stuff you remember.” GROAN. “50 vials of blood it is…grrrrrrreat.” We giggled. “You know what’s going on, kiddo. You’re an expert on what to expect now so you just need to stop and relax now. You know nothing can be done if something does happen, so just relax and we’ll see you again in 3 weeks.” Very true that I am now an expert on all the goings on of pregnancy and what to expect. It doesn’t make it any easier or less frightening.
I’m so angry!!
- My partner is less than enthusiastic for the most part. Although – today he did run out to McDonald’s when I lamented how much I would just LOVE to have a mcgriddle (and maybe a hashbrown, too?? PLEASE?????). It was so delicious I just couldn’t get enough. Maybe I should ask for 2 next time?! lol I understand him guarding himself, but he has no idea what it’s like to have to wait YEARS to become pregnant again. This point alone makes my anger ease. I’m grateful to be so lucky.
- Just because it’s a positive test doesn’t mean there’s a baby growing in there. Check out my last pregnancy. SURPRISE! Mother nature is weirder than me and that says tons.
- Every millimeter of growth in my uterus burns. Is that burning or cramping?! Am I miscarrying again?! Why the fuck not?! GO AHEAD AND MISCARRY YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! No no….That’s stretching, stupid girl. Come on…you know what cramps feel like and you sure as hell remember contractions *Shudders*.
- Every time I go to the bathroom and wipe I’m expecting to see spotting. It’s like a game of Russian Roulette. Is there or isn’t there? Will it be this time or next time?
- The ultrasound – if I get to that point – scares the living shit out of me. The last thing I want to see is the black hole of death like last time. I’m sure if I get to that date I’ll be a massive wreck and I’ll more than likely be apologizing profusely for my waterfall of tears for either outcome. The idea of looking up at that screen and seeing the black hole of death again seems too much for me to even think about.
- I don’t remember being *this* tired last time. It seems to be dialed up just a touch more than last time. I feel fat and lazy. I’m bloated, beyond fatigued (did someone drug me?), I flip around like a fish outta water in my sleep and I’m cranky as all hell. Just call me Surly. I can’t get comfortable in my sleep. My body is aching, especially my spine, back and SI joints. It wakes me up for a second when I roll over in my sleep and it’s aggravating.
I’m not waking up to pee at 5AM – HA! I learned the trick to that! you’ll never get me again! My boobs aren’t killing me this time around, which is the biggest blessing there is. Nipples…we won’t talk about them cuz they’re complete assholes, but are manageable as long as I don’t smash them with my hands to move myself in my sleep. *Shudders* I’m slightly nauseous if I don’t eat which is one of the most common complaints pregnant women have. I have almost daily headaches as I did before which is an extra special treat, not. My moods have been the same as the last pregnancy, down and “normal”. Mostly down I have to say, but understandably. Weepy….omfg am I weepy!!!!!!!! Doesn’t matter what it is, I’ll cry. If I’m not crying, I’m screaming/yelling. I hate being cranky. 😦 Also, my bloodhound nose tells me my guy needs new shoes BADLY. *Vomits*
So here we go again…..
Wish me luck!
The Bipolar Witch