Hello Dear Reader,
It’s been awhile since I wrote to you and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been kinda frantic since Friday…I started spotting on Wedesday and went to the ER. I always say things in 3’s so I gave myself 3 days to knock it off. It just kept going and getting worse. I spent 5 hours in the ER and they couldn’t find the baby. My blood was taken and it revealed an hcG level of 14, 000. So I was then scheduled for an internal ultrasound to make sure it was even in there. This scared the shit out of me because as much as I want a baby I don’t wanna die because of it. If I’m going to die it’ll be from myself. Period. I went back to the hospital today for my scheduled internal ultrasound and I saw the sac, but no baby growing inside. I saw the little specks that should have been the baby (The doc was really great explaining what was what in there!) , devastated. I was given the classic 3 options, natural, drugs or surgery. I chose drugs. I’ve done it naturally once and it takes a long time and I find the surgery a bit much. I’m letting mother nature do what she does and was going to do better and faster. Hopefully my body will be efficient and do what it did last time and get it all out. The idea of that surgery scared the shit out of me.
I took the pills at 5 and they’re now starting to really kick in (9:45pm).
What I’m grateful for:
- Having a break from my bipolar. I needed it. It was great remembering who I was and who I am. (Some of the time at least.)
- Knowing the feeling of being pregnant again (And why it sucks!).
- Knowing that I’m where I belong. Those who are around me all showed their true colours when they found out (Not that I wanted them to know, but my partner did so I went ahead) and I fell more in love with them than I was before – talk about bonding!
- Even though I’m watching this thing that I was thinking about daily come out of me, I won’t have to see a baby this time.
- Knowing there’s absolutely nothing anyone did wrong. Mother nature can be a cruel bitch, but she’s all I’ve got. I can’t hate her for sparing me a defective fetus.
- After all those years of not knowing my fertility status – I do now!! This is one of my biggest throw downs when I get depressed “You’ll never get pregnant! You fail!” I can say “Yes I do and can get pregnant – I saw that it’s possible with my own eyes!” Myth BUSTED.
- It not being ectopic. That’s exactly what I said to the doctor when we found it. That kills women around the world daily and I know it’s a real fact and figure. It was my biggest fear after hearing they couldn’t find it.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Dear Reader, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and all I/we can do is try again once I’ve healed. I’m disappointed, pissed off, angry, and hurt, but I still remain grateful. I know I’m not alone and I know it’ll be ok. I’ve gone through this before, but I’m a lot luckier this time because I have a partner who is feeling the pain as much as I am, possibly moreso than me. Knowing he cares is my saving grace.
The Bipolar Witch
bipolarwitch 